Sent by a colleague, John Hilsdon, from ELC, University of Exeter

Dear folks

Under the circs (take that however you wish), the following may bring welcome smiles:

British Signs (fwd from a colleague on writing in HE list)

Sign in a London department store:

Bargain basement upstairs.

In an office:

Would the person who took the step ladder yesterday please bring it back or further steps will be taken.

Outside a farm:

MANURE:

50p PER PRE-PACKED BAG

20p DO-IT-YOURSELF.

In an office:

After tea break staff should empty the teapot and stand upside down on the draining board.

On a church door:

This is the gate of Heaven. Enter ye all by this door. (This door is kept locked because of the draft. Please use side door.)

Sign outside a new town hall which was to be opened by the Prince of Wales:

The town hall is closed until opening. It will remain closed after being opened. Open Tomorrow.

Outside a photographer's studio:

Out to lunch: If not back by five, out for dinner also.

Seen at the side of a Sussex road:

Slow cattle crossing. No overtaking for the next 100 yrs.

Outside a disco:

Smarts is the most exclusive disco in town. Everyone welcome.

Sign warning of quicksand:

Quicksand. Any person passing this point will be drowned. By order of the district council.

Notice sent to residents of a Wiltshire parish:

Due to increasing problems with litter louts and vandals we must ask anyone with relatives buried in the graveyard to do their best to keep them in order.

Notice in a dry cleaner's window:

Anyone leaving their garments here for more than 30 days will be disposed of.

Sign on motorway garage:

Please do not smoke near our petrol pumps. Your life may not be worth much but our petrol is.

Notice in health food shop window:

Closed due to illness.

Spotted in a safari park:

Elephants please stay in your car.

Seen during a conference:

For anyone who has children and doesn't know it, there is a day care on the first floor.

Notice in a field:

The farmer allows walkers to cross the field for free, but the bull charges.

Message on a leaflet:

If you cannot read, this leaflet will tell you how to get lessons.

Sign on a repair shop door:

We can repair anything. (Please knock hard on the door - the bell doesn't work)

Sign at Norfolk farm gate:

Beware! I shoot every tenth trespasser and the ninth one has just left.

Spotted in a toilet in a London office block:

Toilet out of order. Please use floor below.